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Honorius (Holiday)
The Story of Honorius (the Holiday, not the Emperor) Origins The holiday of Honorius began in the year 400 CE, when the Emperor Honorius - then seven years upon the throne of Rome - realized he still had ten years to wait until the city would be sacked by Visigoths. He had to fill the time somehow. And so legend has it that Honorius... well, the main thing he did was move to Ravenna to get away from Rome in time – but he also began loading up the calendar with all sorts of novel holidays for the fun of it. For instance, Honorius was a lover of squirrels (and it is possible that he kept a pet squirrel as one of his closest advisers): hence, Roman Squirrel Day, which fell in the month of July. Also, Fig Day, because he liked figs, and who doesn’t? Plus a day for charioteers, with the day afterward dedicated to chariot repairmen - and the day after that to the wives of chariot repairmen, and the day after that to lovers or paramours of the wives of chariot repairmen, and/or the side girlfriends of chariot repairmen themselves. Then came Second Fig Day. And a day celebrating pets of chariot repairmen. And Measure Your Feet Day - always a high point of the year, since the boy emperor (then aged fifteen) already had persistent edema, bloating his ankles. Honorius was forever measuring his feet day by day, to check which size of sandal to wear when heading out for his daily taunt of the Senate. Measure Your Feet Day was that annual occasion when everyone in town got to “get the big feet” (Acquidia podia maximus, as they would all say in Latin) and joyously taunt the Emperor in return. (Scholars have speculated that the Roman Measure Your Feet Day was the origin of later medieval “Lord of Misrule” festivals.) Here are some other holidays Honorius invented to while away the time, waiting for Rome to be sacked: * Dog Day * Risotto Holiday * Exotic Animals of Nubia Day * Future Sacking of Rome Day * Rome Day (not the city, but the pigeon – named “Rome” – who was owned and loved by Honorius) * Wine Day * Second Wine Day * Roman Holiday, someday to be starring Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck * Calendar Day (a day to be set aside for study of the months, and for making up holidays) * Wine Week * Battledore Bonanza * Shuttlecock Orgy * Sex Day * Etruscan Day (Part one: vases) * Etruscan Day (Part two: poems) * National Poison Your Family Day (not to be spent poisoning one’s family, but rather in reflection on Romans who had done so in the past. However, the unclear naming of the holiday caused confusion, and 62 poisonings.) * Imaginary Flightless Bird Day, Since Penguins Have Not Been Discovered by Romans* * Wine Month * Big Sex Day When Honorius died of burst feet in the year 423, the Roman people, confused and annoyed by so many new holidays that he’d left behind, squinched the ones they liked best into a single day of remembrance of their weird boy emperor, choosing to celebrate this on 23 Martius. Martius was the first month of the year back then, and was enjoyed by all as a time of fresh starts. The 23rd was chosen because (a) it was the anniversary of Honorius’ accession to the throne, (b) it seemed like nice timing, brightening up the slump a little after Saturnalia, and © it was already Measure Your Feet Day, which as already mentioned was very popular. The Emperor Honorius, who had been elevated to the very throne of Europe at age 8, will forever be remembered as the Patron Saint of Taking on Too Much. Also, pigeons/penguins. And squirrels, and feet. * -- IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING PENGUINS. Honorius liked to celebrate Imaginary Flightless Bird Day by dressing up his favorite pigeon – named Rome – in a little tuxedo. This not only uncannily foreshadowed the western world’s eventual discovery of penguins, which happened just a bit more than 1000 years after Honorius’ death by explorer Bartholomew Diaz in 1488. But it also uncannily foreshadowed the invention of the tuxedo, even later, in 1865. Honorius: The Lost Years Sometime later – the exact timing is lost, but suffice it to say that it was after Honorius died – almost everything about him was forgotten, including all the stuff just said above about his holiday. Honorius: The Glorious Return pending